What my Gender-Nonconforming Son is Teaching me, as I Teach the World About Him

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Yes, my son is gender-nonconforming and no, that probably doesn't mean what you think it means. But in a world where terms such as, transgender, gender-neutral, non-binary and gender-fluid are more commonplace than ever before, it's easy to see how confusion occurs.

Contrary to popular belief, gender-nonconforming is defined as, "Denoting or relating to a person whose behaviour or appearance does not conform to prevailing cultural and social expectations about what is a appropriate to their gender." (Oxford University Press 2019) 

In Australian culture, one example of this is males who like to wear dresses, skirts, heels, and/or makeup. Considering this definition, allow me to list some of my own personal synonyms for the term gender-nonconforming: bold, confident, unique, fearless, authentic, and empowered.

This term has a lot less to do with sexual orientation, or even gender, and a lot more to do with being courageous enough to do what makes one happy, despite the judgemental opinions of society.

~

My free-spirited 8-year-old progressed from painting his toenails, to painting his fingernails, to wearing his sister's dresses and skirts, to requesting we buy him some dresses and skirts of his own. And of course, we did. He also began playing with dolls and picked out a Cabbage Patch baby for his birthday.
  
Despite these gender-nonconforming behaviours, he has no desire to be a girl, nor has he expressed anxiety or displayed any signs that would indicate he is otherwise uncomfortable with being a boy.  This is important to note because children who are diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria, and who often subsequently transition, generally are very insistent throughout childhood that they are the opposite sex to that which they were assigned at birth (Ehrensaft 2018).


"It's not an exact science, but it usually does separate the two groups," states Dr Diane Ehrensaft, a developmental and clinical psychologist specialising in gender studies. "One group [gender dysphoria/transgender] is saying 'I am' the gender that is opposite from their birth certificate. The other [gender-nonconforming] is saying, 'I like to play around and imagine that I might be, sometimes.'" (Ehrensaft 2018)


I will never forget the first time I came in from hanging out a load of washing to find my little man sporting a lovely pink frock from his little sister's wardrobe. Upon seeing me, he hid behind the couch, fearing he would be in trouble.
  
My response: 'Come out and let me see your pretty dress, so I can take a photo!'  

Well, out he crawled, grinning from ear to ear. This warm reception prompted his sister to choose some of his boy clothes and dress up in those herself. My son thought this was brilliant and they extended their play further by swapping pyjamas that night.  


Acceptance and support in the home environment is important for all children but arguably more so for gender-nonconforming kids. Depending how far through life they carry these non-conforming likes and interests, society may be very cruel. It is our job as parents and carers to build their self esteem up early, and instil in them that the opinions of others are not nearly as important as inner peace and remaining to true to ourselves.  

I take great pride in telling all of my children that there are plenty of people who dislike my dreadlocks, stretched ear lobes, piercings, and tattoos. But the people who are important, they accept and love me for what is on the inside, not how I decorate the outside.

So, here we are on this fun-filled journey as a family. We are following our son's lead and learning as we go. We are currently utilising the children's book The Boy in the Dress by David Walliams—a simultaneously heart touching and hilarious tale. The pictures are the work of Quentin Blake, who illustrated Roald Dahl's renowned children's books such as, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Witches, and The Twits.


As with all things close to my heart, I have been undertaking research on the phenomenon of gender-nonconforming children. Interestingly, one study indicated childhood gender-nonconformity may be hereditary (Friedman 2008).
  
This made sense because I myself, have always been a tomboy. To this day, I prefer baggy men's hoodies, and will choose jeans and a black shirt over a dress any day. By basic definition, I too, am gender-nonconforming. I'd not given it a great deal of thought previously and I think the reason for that is because we are preconditioned to judge a boy in a tutu with sparkly nails much more harshly than anybody would ever judge the little girl on the football field, covered in dirt. Why is that?  Who can really say for sure...but in our home, this archaic way of thinking ends with us.  

We will be the change we want to see in the world; we will be fosterers of dreams and stokers of creative fires. While it could certainly be said that my husband and I run a tight ship in many aspects of our parenting, when it comes to self expression, nothing is off the table and all things are possible. Because, at its very heart, that is all gender-nonconformity really is: harmless self expression. ❤







References:


ChinoF. (2019). A childless single's view about parenting and family. GetRealPost. Retrieved from https://www.getrealphilippines.com/2019/02/singles-view-parenting-family/


Ehrensaft, D. (2018). Transgender vs. gender nonconforming. Kidsinthehouse. Retrieved from http://www.kidsinthehouse.com/teenager/sexuality/transgender/transgender-vs-gender-nonconforming


Friedman, R.C. (2008). Sexual orientation and psychodynamic psychotherapy sexual science and clinical practice. Columbia University Press. pp. 53-7

Oxford University Press (OUP). (2019). Lexico.com. Definition of gender-nonconforming in English. Retrieved from http://www.lexico.com/en/definition/gender-nonconforming


Packer, G. (2019). When the culture war comes for the kids. The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2019/10/when-the-culture-war-comes-for-the-kids/596668/

Walliams, D. (2008) The boy in the dress. HarperCollins Publishers, London.




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