Summer Bod Loading.....

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I have struggled with my fluctuating weight for as long as I can remember.  Shortly before I was diagnosed with paediatric onset bipolar disorder, when I was around 11 years old, I suffered my first severe depressive episode.  During this time, I struggled to sleep and eat, and my weight dropped dangerously low.
  
In high school, I went from one extreme to the next- I was bullied and turned to food as a means of comfort.  I would come home of an afternoon and gorge myself on any junk food in the house.  Throughout my secondary education, my weight was the highest it has ever been and my self esteem lived in the gutter.

That weight dropped right off once I had left school and spiralled into drug addiction, which saw me go from a snug size 16, to a size 6, in a matter of months.  I didn't start gaining weight again until I fell pregnant with my eldest son, Lachlan who was my salvation in so many ways.  From the moment I found out I'd conceived, until this very day, I've not touched a single illicit drug- motherhood changed everything.  

[for any new readers who may be interested, I have blogged more in depth about this and my journey back to the light in some of my previous posts- most notable along these subject lines are the two titled, "Needles to Nurture" and "Confessions of a Pro-Life Mother: there but for the grace of God go I"]

~

 After Lachlan was born I power-walked with him in the pram of a morning and went to the gym twice a week.  Upon my return to work, I only worked evening shifts for the first few months which left me with ample time on my hands to get my body back to where I wanted it to be.  My hard work paid off and I landed four modelling opportunities, the last of which took place a few months after my deceased partner, Chris and I got together.

Chris passed away in the first trimester of my pregnancy with our son, Christopher Jr. and I used exercise as a grief outlet.  I would put Lachlan in the pram and power-walk 5km each morning and again in the afternoon.  It was the only way I could tire myself out enough to be able to switch off and sleep at night.  Owing to this rigorous routine, I barely showed my pregnancy until around 7 months and even then the bump still came and went, depending on the day!
  
Below is a photo of me waiting to go in for my scheduled C-section at 39 weeks.  Despite my barely noticeable mound, my baby weighed in at 7 pound 8!  Funnily enough, this was the exact same weight Lachlan had been at 2 weeks overdue!

Following Christopher's birth, on the two days a week that Lachlan was in daycare, I'd push little Christopher in the pram for 5km twice a day.  When my wound had fully healed, I added sit-ups and push-ups to my routine.
  
Below is a photo taken approximately 2 months after CJ (Christopher Jr.) entered the world:

Everything changed when I fell pregnant with my daughter, Porschia.  At around 12 weeks, I suffered a crippling depressive episode.  I couldn't eat or sleep and consequently, was hospitalised.  This was the first time I had needed to be admitted into the APU (acute psychiatric unit) since my troubled teen years.  So far, it's also been the last (here's hoping it stays that way!).  

There were quite a few things that I believe all probably contributed to the triggering of this depressive episode:

 • Firstly, I had weaned myself off my medication because I didn't want to risk harming my baby- my GP had advised against this and, in hindsight, I should have listened
 
• Secondly, I believe it is very likely that I was suffering some degree of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) due to my being at approximately the same stage of my pregnancy as I had been when Chris died
 
• Thirdly, my then fiancé (now husband), Pete had suffered a horrific laceration to his wrist which occurred when a grinder blade shattered, severing 5 tendons, 2 bones, a nerve and, most alarmingly of all, an artery
 
•Fourthly, there is such a thing as prenatal depression and I do believe I suffered from this throughout my pregnancies with both Lachlan and Christopher
 
[a noteworthy fact is that studies have attributed higher rates of prenatal and postnatal depression to bipolar mothers]
 
• Last but certainly not least, with bipolar disorder there often can be no trigger at all, it just is, what it is

~ 

 While I was in hospital, my psychiatrist changed my medication to one that was safer to be on during pregnancy.  While ideally it would be great for a pregnant mother to be on no medication, sometimes the benefits far outweigh the risks and, in the end, we got a perfect, happy and healthy little girl who was able to have an emotionally stable mother.

The rest of my pregnancy with Porschia saw me balloon up to a jaw-dropping 100kg which, after she was born, dropped down to 90kg.  This was the biggest I'd been since high school and once again I was looking in the mirror and hating my reflection.  It didn't matter that Pete still thought I was beautiful and perfect, I just wasn't happy within myself and I knew only I could fix it.  

 I breastfed for a few months until my milk dried up from stress, which I believe was largely due to the antics of my then un-diagnosed ADHD  and ODD son, Christopher.  Once Porschia was on formula, I was able to start a diet plan called The Chocolate Diet, which was comprised of a shake for breakfast and lunch, as well as meal options from a special menu for morning tea, afternoon tea and dinner.  Dessert was a square of very dark chocolate included in the kit.
  
The Chocolate Diet was a high protein diet to speed fat burning and smaller, frequent meals were intended to increase metabolism.  This diet gave amazing results when I combined it with daily Wii Fit workouts and long walks.  I have looked for it many times since over the years but I've never been able to find a place that still sells it.  I did however, manage to track down a photo of the box, which I've included below:

After getting back down to a size 12, I began eating normally again.  It wasn't the size 10 I was following the births of my boys, but that was okay; I was happy enough.

~  

 I started Zumba in the lead up to mine and Pete's wedding.  My size 12 Allure bridal gown was a very snug fit and the style was one that was unable to be altered to a larger size if I gained any weight, meaning I needed to ensure this didn't happen!

 After the wedding I got slack and started eating like a horse again.  When I felt my clothes becoming too tight once more, I went on yet another diet- this time, The Cookie Diet.  I purchased a 3 month supply and followed it religiously.  The results were extremely gratifying!

 Earlier this year I enrolled in karate lessons but still, my weight crept back on.  Having finished the diet, I was eating far too much junk and not doing nearly enough exercise.  I didn't really plan on changing anything until a couple of weeks ago when I stumbled upon an article on fruitarianism.  The woman in the article had a story very similar to mine- a constant battle with up and down weight and binge eating.... that was until she became a fruitarian.  I was intrigued enough to do some further research on it and the fact that I have a big sweet tooth also got me thinking that maybe I could satisfy those sweet cravings with fruit, rather than chocolate. 
 
I decided it was worth a try to at least eliminate some meals and replace them with fruit.  On the first day, I ate nothing but grapes until dinner time.  I also decided on that same day to subscribe to a PT (personal trainer) app and I selected a 12 week program.  The next step was to weigh myself to see how long it would take me to reach my goal.  I had been avoiding the scales since completing my last diet and that first weigh-in was a huge wake up call- I was 85kg!

~
  
It will take me around 36 weeks to reach my goal and right now my diet consists of a sugar reduced Up & Go with a coffee for breakfast, fruit throughout the day (my favourites at the moment are black grapes, kiwi fruit and red apples), along with a couple more coffees until dinner time. 


 So far I'm a week and a half in and have lost a total of 2.6kg!  I'm feeling great, though I do generally always feel great in the Springtime- Bipolar fun fact: this is the season that most psychiatric wards see the highest volume of involuntary mania admissions!
  
Being bipolar II, mine is more hypomania (a mild form marked by elation and hyperactivity), as opposed to the full blown and often psychotic mania of bipolar I.  My mood stabilisers do help a considerable amount with levelling out my highs and lows but I am always aware of their presence on a somewhat lesser scale.  I've learned to enjoy the increased energy while it lasts and channel it into worthwhile activities.

I'll write on this subject again at the end of my journey when I've reached my goal weight... yes, when, not if!!  ☮ 




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