Wonderland Wanderess

Just when I think I have this body of mine figured out, it goes and knocks me for six!  After months of increased Endometriosis flare ups, sleepless nights and countless days spent writhing around my bed in agony, I knew I had to do something.  Living with chronic pain is emotionally draining and physically exhausting.  It's not living at all really... just existing. Endometriosis, or Endo as it is often called,  is a chronic illness with no known cause or cure, affecting 1 in every 10 women (World Endometriosis Society, 2020).  In women with this hereditary disease, tissue similar (but not identical) to the lining of the uterus grows throughout the pelvic cavity, on organs and the reproductive system.  In rare and more severe cases, Endometriosis has been found in every part of the body except the spleen!  This tissue breaks down and bleeds during the woman's monthly cycle, just as the endometrium does, only the Endometriosis tissue has no way of exit...

For as long as I can remember, I have been intensely fond of reading, a lover of literature and a collector of books, both fiction and non-fiction.  This love affair I believe was partly borne of my difficult upbringing.  Books became my solace and my comfort in times of torment; a means of escape from a haunted reality...   When I wasn't reading, while most kids were preoccupied with the latest toys, I was pretending to be a librarian with a stack of books and a pen to scan the make-believe bar codes.  Does anybody else remember the old school scanner from the Toowoomba City Library that looked like a pen?!  I loved that thing!   Aside from my librarian play, I often dreamed of becoming a famous writer some day.  I knew if I was to be handed an unconditional wish that would enable me to be made into absolutely anything in the world, I would choose to be an author. ~     In 2005 I completed the first term of Year 11 before terminating my...

Written on 17th March, 2018 In My Eyes: a journey through the years 5 years ago you were such a smart baby, So advanced in milestones, it amazed us daily! There were many lows but many more highs, You were perfect, in my eyes. 4 years ago you spoke in language well beyond your years, But owing to your naughtiness, I shed so many tears. No matter how dark the nights grew, the sun would always rise, It was all part of our journey and you were perfect, in my eyes. 3 years ago, your IQ rapidly grew, You'd go far in life, this we all knew. Why such poor behaviour, you were evidently wise, Despite my exhaustion, you were perfect, in my eyes. 2 years ago I thought, "I'm not sure I can do this any more..." "This kid is so smart, it has to be my parenting that's poor." Through the tears, the heartache and all the tough stuff, I loved you so much but was that really enough?! 1 year ago we learnt you have ADHD, Finally, I knew that it wasn't just me. You are gi...

The first time stays with you; cemented in the crevices of your mind and plastered to the backs of your eyelids. Sometimes it's beneath darker shadows, or obscured with bright rays of sunlight. But it's always there.  The click of the doors locking reverberated throughout the building in time with the beating of my heart. That click continues its cursed echo in my mind even today.  You never forget the first time.   ~ It was 2007, I was 18 years old, and  my first involuntary treatment order was enforced (Mental Health Act 2000)  . Shame cloaked me and claustrophobia choked the air from my lungs as I realised I was, for lack of a better word, imprisoned; trapped against my will. All I wanted was to go home, but where was home?  I no longer knew. ~ " Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my b...

We will never forget the year 2020.Countries shut down, children were pulled from schools, the stock market crashed, and unemployment hit a record high of 14.7%, the highest it has been since 1948 (Thompson 2020).  With this new world, birthed by a foreign virus, so too, came a surge in mental health and domestic violence crises. The global death toll is currently at 382,412 (Worldometer 3 June 2020) but the true statistics are likely much higher. The forgotten numbers are found in suicides of isolated depression sufferers, murdered children and partners forcibly quarantined in violent homes, and people with chronic illnesses, too afraid to attend critical medical appointments for fear of contracting the deadly Coronavirus.  Additionally, drug overdoses from relapses that may never have occurred had the addicts had access to their support networks and meetings, would further inflate the tally. Indeed, we will never forget the year 2020; the year the COVID-19 pandemic came...

Yes, my son is gender-nonconforming and no, that probably doesn't mean what you think it means. But in a world where terms such as, transgender, gender-neutral, non-binary and gender-fluid are more commonplace than ever before, it's easy to see how confusion occurs. Contrary to popular belief, gender-nonconforming is defined as, "Denoting or relating to a person whose behaviour or appearance does not conform to prevailing cultural and social expectations about what is a appropriate to their gender." (Oxford University Press 2019)  In Australian culture, one example of this is males who like to wear dresses, skirts, heels, and/or makeup. Considering this definition, allow me to list some of my own personal synonyms for the term gender-nonconforming: bold, confident, unique, fearless, authentic, and empowered. This term has a lot less to do with sexual orientation, or even gender, and a lot more to do with being courageous enough to do what makes one ha...

It’s been months since I last blogged.   I’ve been so caught up with my university studies and home schooling my kids in this strange new Corona World. In fact, I probably should be working on an essay right now but I just needed to write freely today; to express what is in my heart and on my mind right now.  So come, buckle up, and step into the darkest corners of my mind with me. Below I have copied and pasted a dated e-journal entry.   I wrote it in November last year during the most crippling low I have experienced since I was pregnant with my now almost 6-year-old daughter.   What is a low you ask?   It is a depressive episode.   You see, I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Type 2 (BPII), differentiated from Type 1 by significantly more lows than highs.   The rare highs of BPII, referred to as  hypomanic episodes do not reach the full-blown mania and psychosis commonly associated with Bipolar Disorder, Type 1 (BPI) and could instead...

The man I am writing about passed away many years ago. Out of respect for his family, I will not disclose his real name; I'll refer to him only as *Simon.   *Simon was like a father to me and I loved him dearly... eventually. For the first few months, my hatred burnt with the fire of a thousand suns. *Simon had just been released from prison for heroin trafficking, but before you judge my mother for allowing him into our lives, you must first understand that he had just served a 5 year sentence. Theoretically he should have been clean for half a decade; a reformed member of society, if you will. We would later learn just how readily available heroin had been to him in prison. My mother was put through hell by my father and then along came a good looking, kind-hearted man. *Simon fell in love with Mum and was even willing to put up with her emotionally unstable little brat (me), who never missed an opportunity to tell him how much she hated him. *Simon was patient with me...

Dear Younger Self, Forgive yourself. You are brave and you are smart and I know you don't know what to do with all of these things that have happened and are still happening to you. But you will get through them...all of them, and you will be okay, I promise. Right now, you are doing what you have to do to survive and you lash out at everything and everyone around you because it's the only way you know how to deal with all of this rage consuming you from the inside out. But the day will come when you won't have to fight anymore. The demons that have overrun your scared little mind will be banished to the furthest corners of the realms.    I won't lie to you, it's going to get worse before it gets better... a lot worse. It's going to hurt like hell and you are going to need to call on strength you don't even yet know you possess. But when that day comes, as hard as it will be to let go of everything you thought was meant for you, know that it wi...